Is that your ego in my email?

I am a member of a neighborhood message board. Our community usually shares information regarding public and community events, suspicious activity and sometimes there is a venting of a problem or two. Mostly the emails are cordial and factual in nature and nothing to get excited over. But occasionally tempers will flare and opposing temperaments will seemingly be at war. A perfect example of this came about recently.

Several neighbors had been complaining of a loose Pit Bull in the neighborhood when a man chimed in basically Pit Bull bashing saying that they were all crazy and prone to violence. Anyone who knows dogs or Pit Bulls knows that this is not always the case. And the fact that a dog is loose is a completely different point than any particular breed temperament. Unfortunately after this man laid out his rant, his own dogs escaped from his yard. He then posted another email laying out excuses for his own loose dog problems and then actually asked for advice on how to contain them.

Perhaps you can see where this is going already. The conversations went from bad to worse, as more and more excuses were proffered by the man. I found it befuddling that a person would ask for advice and then defeat every suggestion that was made. In the end the man was of the mind that people were judging him for things that were not his fault, and swore to never post on the message board again.

These types of situations are extremely frustrating to me. He had, after all, specifically asked for advice! What was really going on here? This was not the first time I've seen something like this happen. And unfortunately I don't think it will be the last. Am I to just stand by and watch this sort of thing happen? Let it roll off of my shoulders because it's not my problem? What can be done to prevent it or diffuse it?

Email for some reason seems to call out for misunderstanding. People write without editing their thoughts. Sometimes they don't even bother with proper grammar or punctuation. Then they respond to people without considering the message carefully. The mistakes and misunderstandings are bounced back and forth like ping-pong balls and before you know it you have a full blown war of words.

This problem has been haunting me since 2003. Not the wars per say, but the bizarre occurrences of miscommunication and misunderstanding. I was a UNIX systems engineer, and my "technical lead" was constantly taking issue with the "tone" of my emails. Tone? What tone? It's technical information. I was actually written up for "insubordination" because I was "constantly blindsiding my technical lead with technical information". Ummmm... I thought it was my job to communicate with my technical lead??

At any rate, the problem is not foreign and since 2003 I've found it occurs in practically every environment I've experienced. I had to know if it was me? I'm a nice person, I think. I help people when I can. I share information openly. And I don't take offense easily. Why is this issue following me around like a leech?

I knew, even back in 2003, that the problem was primarily the reader of the email. For, I knew what tone I used when writing the emails and therefore I also knew that I was not working through evil intent. But still, how do you stop it. My biggest problem is that I am not a psychotherapist. That and the little problem of being on only one side of the email at any given time. But I've finally found some articles that explain exactly what is occurring in all of these situations. Some actual psychologists tested both sides of email communication, and found some amazing results.

http://www-usr.rider.edu/~suler/psycyber/conflict.html

http://www.apa.org/monitor/feb06/egos.html

Basically, there is only a 56% chance that the tone of an email will be properly interpreted by the reader. That is, when you're discussing weather or cafeteria food. That 56% chance is also spread out over a sampling of individuals and personalities. So, if 56% chance of proper "tone interpretation" is the best you can hope for on average, imagine what happens when you send an email to someone who is completely lost in their own ego. And imagine still further if you have the misfortune of engaging in a topic of conversation that is emotionally charged for that person. I imagine the chances for communicating anything to that person drops substantially in such a worst case scenario.

What do you do? How can you communicate to someone who is so emotionally revved up or triggered that anything and everything you say to them comes across as a criticism? I think for most of us, you just have to stop. Don't play into their ego, and save your own sanity. But, what about the work situation? You can't just stop talking to your boss. You can't refuse to respond to emails that require a response. Are you to live in fear and dread of misunderstanding the rest of your life?

The articles suggest picking up the phone rather than sending email. This may be a good tactic, and certainly would serve to diffuse a great number of misunderstandings. But what about those situations where you have no way to call a person? Your only contact with them is through email or text message. Or even more, what if the only contact that you would ever want with that person is through email?

For example, my immediate family has the very annoying tendency to interrupt, change topics, or just flat out ignore me when I'm speaking to them. The amazing thing is that email requires them to "listen" to me, but their own internal voices are so negative the thoughts in my emails are interpreted as being negative even though they are not. So, even though they are forced to "listen" in email, they are still grossly misinterpreted and I am still not "heard". How do you drag a person outside of their head so that they will fully listen to you?

There has to be a better way... So, awareness often being the first step in solving a problem. I feel there is more to be done on this issue. At this point I'm convinced that I'm not the only person experiencing these problems. It's not just me. I think I have a best seller in the making.

I will sing you to me

I've always been the hopeless romantic. In fact daydreaming is still one of my favorite pastimes. Why does my heart do this to me, I do not know. I recently saw "Australia" at the movie theatre. That beautiful child who believes in magick keeps coming back to my dreams. "I will sing you to me", he says to those he loves. Beautiful, dreaminess. But does it work? Of course it works in the movie.

But then I find myself at Sadhana, in the middle of Florida (not my favorite place). I've come for a yoga retreat. I know no one there. I don't know any of the customs, procedures or even what to expect in general. Far away from home, and all alone I begin to wonder why I came. I came on the words of a psychic. I drove 8 hours and spent nearly $2000 for a promise that Paul was going to bring me a new life and someone special. I had to leave Atlanta to find my new path she said. Paul wanted to bring me someone special, and I was to go to Florida. I hate Florida. Okay, hates a little strong. But I don't like it there at all. But I followed the clues laid before me by fate, and found myself now in Florida.

Do I really want a relationship again? Even the best relationships can be challenging. Do I really want to go through all that drama? All that compromise? I find myself once again to be single and completely in charge of myself. Free to do as I please when I please. Why do I want restrictions? I don't. So, why am I here?

I'm here for yoga. I'm here to clear my energy and find a new life for myself. Interestingly there's a singles meeting. Should I go? No, I don't want to go... But what would it hurt. Paul said he would bring someone to me. What if that were true and I didn't follow through? Okay, I'll go... But what about my rings? I still wear my wedding and engagement ring. What message does that send, or will anyone even notice? I'm not taking my rings off... do I tell everyone I'm a widow? No, I'm just gonna go and what happens happens.

This is exactly what I don't want. The insecurities and doubts of some sort of forced meeting of men all bubble to the surface. It's all wrong and seems creepy. Creepy guy even follows me to the cafe after wards, and proves to be even creepier. He tried to walk me to my tent, but I ditched him by diverting my conversations to another man. The look on creepy guys face was really sad. Great now I feel mean and insensitive. But the next day I see him being creepy with someone else. Eeew, I was right. More insecurities and anger bubble up from all those creepy stalker guys of the past. I thank God for the wisdom I now have to ditch creepy guys.

But there's something interesting. A mantra to beckon your soulmate. How sweet. They say it works. Repeat it daily and within some amount of time your mate will appear. Well, I could chant a mantra for rain every day and some days it would rain. So, what's this all about? Law of attraction in mantra form I think. Positive affirmation, prayer, wishing on a star and magick all in one. These concepts are clearly nothing new. Man has been calling out to the heavens for his desires to manifest since the dawn of time.

The mantra is in Sanskrit. Immediately I'm lost, and don't understand anything that they're talking about. Okay, maybe this mantra isn't for me. But the romantic in me does not miss the concept. I don't like repeating things over and over. But I do like singing the same songs over and over. I like even better the concept of being the vibration of what it is that I want. What is it that I want? Serious thought leads me to the following philosophy.

Infinite love comes to us through a multitude of pathways in this life. Each pathway having it's own vibration, some things resonate differently for different people. The artist loves art, the musician loves music, the carpenter loves wood, and so forth. We all find God resonating through the things that we are attracted to in this world. But the deepest and closest we ever get to God is through our close connection to another human being. Without an explanation as to why, all I can say is that the evidence presents that we must somehow resonate with another human. It is likely something to do with the energy of creating new life. God is in the details, I have only the most basic overview.

What I want is a channel to infinite love which comes through the physical form of male energy. I do want to be with a man. I want to love a man, and I want a man to love me. I want a partner and a friend. But not just any man...

I go around in a circle, spending about 1 minute "getting to know" every man in the room. I don't know any of these men or what conflicts may potentially lay beneath the surface. I don't want conflict. I've had quite enough of that thank you. Some are physically fit, others are not, some are about my age, some are too young for me, some are pleasant to talk to, still others are well... just creepy.

What attracts me to a man? I don't know what to call it, but all I know is that it's not of this physical plane and it's certainly not some fact that you learn about someone in 1 minutes time. I get a feeling for some reason unknown even to me. Its not just any man, but there's no discernible identifying cue that attracts me to him. My soul is stirred and I don't know why... in truth, it was stirred by this man earlier in the day before I walked into the tent. So I really didn't have to go to the singles meeting and meet creepy guy. Or did I?

I remember thinking when I first met him how nice he seemed. I remember being surprised even then by finding myself processing the reasoning that he was surely partnered with someone beautiful. I remember entering the singles meeting wondering if he were there, and if he were what would I do and then telling my brain to be quiet. As the outer circle of women was being arranged around the inner circle of men, I was taken by the arm of the facilitator and lead to a new position in the circle. As she swung me around the extrados of women, she magically placed me right in front of him.

"Oh, hello", I said. We didn't even get to talk for more than a few seconds before the line shifted. Even when he actually walked me back to my tent that evening, we had only very surface level conversation. But there was something about him, I couldn't hardly keep from looking at him. And often had to force myself not to for I feared that I was creeping him out. Or maybe I was just creeping myself out.

I'm now back home. I'm still alone. I've no hope or method for even meeting anyone new. Yet in my soul I feel that connection to the infinite flowing through the softness in the eyes of a man I barely know. It may not be that man that will fulfill my desires. But I now have hope. I now feel like maybe I'm capable of opening my heart to another man. Maybe hope was all that Paul meant to bring to me in Florida. Maybe he's still just trying to coax me into not giving up. Pushing me to dream again. Hope may be enough for now. But, one day I know I will have another love. My hope for love is a radiant beacon, I will sing you to me.

Is it just me?

I've read my fair share of self-help books in the past, present, and probably well into the future. Often I find insights to help my brain wrap around the dysfunctional planet. Sometimes the book is just a pleasant bedtime story to lull myself to sleep with, a distraction to keep my mind off of the insanity. But, other times I run into philosophies that anger me and tempt me to throw the text into the trash.

The first such philosophy was given to me through "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". It's been many years since I've read that book, and I remember very little of it's message. I should perhaps read it again to see if my opinion has mellowed. However, I remember that the premise being put forth was equal to that of men will never change, so women have to suck it up and change to compensate for the fact that men are not going to change. Part of this message was regarding that women can't have a best friend and confidant in their spouse. They must go find girlfriends to satiate their need for someone to spill their guts to. This angered me.

Why am I to tip toe around a man's "cave" and let him be who he most wants to be; but that man is not the least bit responsible for providing me with any comfort or camaraderie? One may make the assumption that only women are reading the book. But if a man reads the book, what sort of double standard is being set forth here? Why am I responsible for adapting myself to soothe the male ego, but the male is free to be blissfully himself without the least concern for my needs? If that is the case, then I don't need them.

I'm assuming that the authors are considering the plight of the person seeking more peace in their lives. It is undoubtedly true that you can not change anything but yourself. It would be foolish to lay forth methods of trying to help some poor lonely housewife enlighten her husband. The assumption is made that only the person reading the book will ever change because those that are not reading the book will never have the information necessary to alter their behavior in the slightest.

My latest read has brought me again to this thought. "How to Win Friends, and Influence People" sets forth enlightened principles (well so far, I'm only two chapters in). But again focuses on the reader grotesquely contorting himself and his behavior to compensate for the vast ignorance of humanity. It is foolish to expect to be able to do anything different. Yet I can't help but wonder where are the books that set forth the principles of receiving information and criticism when you were not expecting it? Why is there no book entitled, "The truth is your own mirror." or "How to receive criticism without blaming the person who's given it to you." or "Dealing with the truth of bad news in an enlightened way".

Yes, yes. We should all do our absolute best to be kind to people, and do unto others as you would have them do to you and all that. But you and I both know that being nice to someone is not completely the end of the story. I can treat you with the utmost respect, and if you're having a bad day or take what I said the wrong way you're still going to go off and get angry or upset about it if I say something that you didn't want to hear. So, it's now my responsibility to not only control my emotions so as not to upset your delicate sensibilities, but I also have to read your mind and figure out what it is that you're wanting or not wanting to hear from me?! I find this concept completely insane and impossible to accomplish. Tyrants used to kill messengers of bad news. How is this still acceptable in any setting? Particularly when the bearer of the news is not the creator of the news.

I would like to see a book authored for the purpose of explaining what to do when you've done and said everything in the best manner you know how, and people get defensive and attack you because they didn't like what you said. Something that you said in innocence triggered their own childhood lack, or "I'm not good enough" buttons and suddenly you find yourself being ridiculed and called dirty names because of it. Am I now to be responsible for the dysfunctional personality of every human on the planet? I alone am responsible for cajoling them into a calm state of acceptance that life may be composed of different scenarios that they never imagined? Or am I only responsible for the way I respond to their dysfunctional behavior?

In following with the belief that we are each only responsible for ourselves, I can not see that I am the blame behind someone else's negative reaction to something they did not wish to hear. Where are the words to disarm the ignorance of men who refuse to take responsibility for themselves? What is the method by which living up to your own example and convictions releases you from criticism from those who can not or do not want to do the same for themselves? "The truth shall set you free" sounds great on paper. All I've found is that the truth acts as a mirror and people think I am that which they hate; when in reality it is themselves that they are looking at with disdain.

I am not responsible for what you see in the mirror. I am only responsible for living up to my own truth, and speaking honestly and to the best of my ability. If you find fault in the manner in which I've carved out my life, it is you who are being judgemental. I am not being judgemental by living to my own convictions and speaking them openly. I am speaking truth. My truth. If your truth is different from mine, so be it. I do not take offense. However, if you believe me to be judgemental because my truth is different from yours, then I have only inadvertently provided you with a mirror by which you are seeing your own truth.

Don't kill the messenger.

Everyone is Different

We've heard it all before. Everyone is different. Respect our differences. Forgive our differences. Honor our differences. Yet so many people still go around expecting the people they most love to "be different" than they are.

What? The people we love aren't that different. Your spouse, your kids, your family... you're all cut from the same cloth. You're all on the same page, the same line of thinking. Right?

No, you're not. Ev-er-y-one is different.

Why don't we extend the tolerance and openness to those closest to us? Do we believe that the philosophy only extends to those who are SO different from us that we would otherwise wish to obliterate them? It is true that these now cliche phrases were coined to engender tolerance between opposing factions. Make love, not war. Keep the peace. And hopefully to some extent they have been useful to that extent and have taught some of our youth to be tolerant of things that they don't and probably will never fully understand.

But I propose that these same catch phrases shouldn't stop at complete strangers. What about those we claim to love? Shouldn't they deserve some respect and honor as well. How many times have you gotten angry at a child because they didn't do something exactly as you wanted it done? How many times have you shunned your lover because something didn't occur exactly in the manner you expected it? How many harsh words have been spoken over incredibly simple differences of opinion?

Sad to think about really. Why would you wish ill on a person you claim to love? I can't understand why we do it to adults we love. And I understand even less why an adult would berate the innocence of a child. And for those who would say, "the child did it on purpose", I suggest that if that is true they did so because of your previous disapproval and lack of support. Children never start in this world "broken". If you're child is broken, you're the most likely contributor.

But for me, I have no children so my concern is that of adult relationships. I remember the arguments my husband and I would have over literally nothing. It was beyond my control to stop the arguments, or at least I felt so at the time. But I tried hard to overcome our differences. Sure there were things I wished would have been different. There was plenty I wished he would have done different; and I know he felt the same about me. But why is that worth arguing about?

Shouldn't love include respecting the differences of your loved ones? Shouldn't each of us be allowed to exist peacefully without attack? Do you not wish that for yourself? I think we would all wish that no one would ever attack us. But it is the ego that tricks us into thinking attack is necessary. Sometimes it is even the ego that tricks us into perceiving that we are being attacked. For if we can not respect ourselves enough to allow for our own differences, we are very likely to get defensive when someone voices opinions which we know are different than our own.

This is perhaps a poor "explanation" of the crisis. And yes, I do believe it is a crisis. But if you do not love and respect yourself enough to allow yourself to be different from everyone else on the planet, then you will create conflict everywhere you go. For how can you love and respect anyone else being different from yourself, if you can not tolerate yourself being different in everyone else's eyes? Think about it. It's not so much that you're angry that that other person did or said anything so different from you. It's that you can't stand to be different from them. For if you were peaceful with yourself being different from others, you wouldn't mind when those differences were brought to the surface.

So, to honor the differences of others is to say, "I love myself just the way I am." Your attacks do not reveal someone else's faults, they reveal what you believe are your own. By attacking others, you reveal that you do not feel deserving of love just the way you are, and your ego is insisting that everyone align with you so that you can be lovable. Do you really believe that you're so horrible? I know plenty of people who don't like me. And many many fewer who do like me. But that I like myself is all that matters. Because then it doesn't matter if someone feels differently about me. It just means we have differences, but I'm still lovable.

Everyone is different, including you and those closest to you. Until you learn to accept those differences in yourself, you will never truly feel the fullest extent of that love.

Another shot at blogging

Intelligent, funny, engaging... perhaps not the most frequently used adjectives next to my name. But, here we are again trying to make something out of nothing on the internet.

And it's the holidays again, so what better time to start off on a dreamy scheme to enlighten the universe to my whimsy? Inspired by thoughts of glittery lights and romantic songs, a time when the entire world seems to be bathed in richness. Well, maybe not the "entire" world. But at least most of my immediate surroundings.

After all, here I am writing away on my laptop to the tunes of merriment. And here you are reading my banter for want of something better to do with yourself. We have just celebrated Thanksgiving, and we should all be thankful for the luxury we have of engaging in our thought processes in this manner.

What am I thinking of now? Shaping my life in a friendly way. Simply put, I'm struggling with this quote.

"The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe." -Albert Einstein

It is too often that I have decided that life was hostile. And as expected, life proved it to me. I think a lot of us are in the same delusional state. So convinced that the past is evidence of the future. Ever honing our defenses to prevent devastating injury.

But it is never to late to change my mind. What if I, we, could create the space where the universe is friendly? I am in the midst of this mind-altering experiment. I am safe, I am loved, I create richness where ever I go. It is this world where magic happens whether we expect it or not. To live the truth of life is a great lesson of itself.

I really do have a "perfect" life by many standards. If I can create this existence despite my ignorance, imagine what I will be able to create through conscious thought.