I will sing you to me

I've always been the hopeless romantic. In fact daydreaming is still one of my favorite pastimes. Why does my heart do this to me, I do not know. I recently saw "Australia" at the movie theatre. That beautiful child who believes in magick keeps coming back to my dreams. "I will sing you to me", he says to those he loves. Beautiful, dreaminess. But does it work? Of course it works in the movie.

But then I find myself at Sadhana, in the middle of Florida (not my favorite place). I've come for a yoga retreat. I know no one there. I don't know any of the customs, procedures or even what to expect in general. Far away from home, and all alone I begin to wonder why I came. I came on the words of a psychic. I drove 8 hours and spent nearly $2000 for a promise that Paul was going to bring me a new life and someone special. I had to leave Atlanta to find my new path she said. Paul wanted to bring me someone special, and I was to go to Florida. I hate Florida. Okay, hates a little strong. But I don't like it there at all. But I followed the clues laid before me by fate, and found myself now in Florida.

Do I really want a relationship again? Even the best relationships can be challenging. Do I really want to go through all that drama? All that compromise? I find myself once again to be single and completely in charge of myself. Free to do as I please when I please. Why do I want restrictions? I don't. So, why am I here?

I'm here for yoga. I'm here to clear my energy and find a new life for myself. Interestingly there's a singles meeting. Should I go? No, I don't want to go... But what would it hurt. Paul said he would bring someone to me. What if that were true and I didn't follow through? Okay, I'll go... But what about my rings? I still wear my wedding and engagement ring. What message does that send, or will anyone even notice? I'm not taking my rings off... do I tell everyone I'm a widow? No, I'm just gonna go and what happens happens.

This is exactly what I don't want. The insecurities and doubts of some sort of forced meeting of men all bubble to the surface. It's all wrong and seems creepy. Creepy guy even follows me to the cafe after wards, and proves to be even creepier. He tried to walk me to my tent, but I ditched him by diverting my conversations to another man. The look on creepy guys face was really sad. Great now I feel mean and insensitive. But the next day I see him being creepy with someone else. Eeew, I was right. More insecurities and anger bubble up from all those creepy stalker guys of the past. I thank God for the wisdom I now have to ditch creepy guys.

But there's something interesting. A mantra to beckon your soulmate. How sweet. They say it works. Repeat it daily and within some amount of time your mate will appear. Well, I could chant a mantra for rain every day and some days it would rain. So, what's this all about? Law of attraction in mantra form I think. Positive affirmation, prayer, wishing on a star and magick all in one. These concepts are clearly nothing new. Man has been calling out to the heavens for his desires to manifest since the dawn of time.

The mantra is in Sanskrit. Immediately I'm lost, and don't understand anything that they're talking about. Okay, maybe this mantra isn't for me. But the romantic in me does not miss the concept. I don't like repeating things over and over. But I do like singing the same songs over and over. I like even better the concept of being the vibration of what it is that I want. What is it that I want? Serious thought leads me to the following philosophy.

Infinite love comes to us through a multitude of pathways in this life. Each pathway having it's own vibration, some things resonate differently for different people. The artist loves art, the musician loves music, the carpenter loves wood, and so forth. We all find God resonating through the things that we are attracted to in this world. But the deepest and closest we ever get to God is through our close connection to another human being. Without an explanation as to why, all I can say is that the evidence presents that we must somehow resonate with another human. It is likely something to do with the energy of creating new life. God is in the details, I have only the most basic overview.

What I want is a channel to infinite love which comes through the physical form of male energy. I do want to be with a man. I want to love a man, and I want a man to love me. I want a partner and a friend. But not just any man...

I go around in a circle, spending about 1 minute "getting to know" every man in the room. I don't know any of these men or what conflicts may potentially lay beneath the surface. I don't want conflict. I've had quite enough of that thank you. Some are physically fit, others are not, some are about my age, some are too young for me, some are pleasant to talk to, still others are well... just creepy.

What attracts me to a man? I don't know what to call it, but all I know is that it's not of this physical plane and it's certainly not some fact that you learn about someone in 1 minutes time. I get a feeling for some reason unknown even to me. Its not just any man, but there's no discernible identifying cue that attracts me to him. My soul is stirred and I don't know why... in truth, it was stirred by this man earlier in the day before I walked into the tent. So I really didn't have to go to the singles meeting and meet creepy guy. Or did I?

I remember thinking when I first met him how nice he seemed. I remember being surprised even then by finding myself processing the reasoning that he was surely partnered with someone beautiful. I remember entering the singles meeting wondering if he were there, and if he were what would I do and then telling my brain to be quiet. As the outer circle of women was being arranged around the inner circle of men, I was taken by the arm of the facilitator and lead to a new position in the circle. As she swung me around the extrados of women, she magically placed me right in front of him.

"Oh, hello", I said. We didn't even get to talk for more than a few seconds before the line shifted. Even when he actually walked me back to my tent that evening, we had only very surface level conversation. But there was something about him, I couldn't hardly keep from looking at him. And often had to force myself not to for I feared that I was creeping him out. Or maybe I was just creeping myself out.

I'm now back home. I'm still alone. I've no hope or method for even meeting anyone new. Yet in my soul I feel that connection to the infinite flowing through the softness in the eyes of a man I barely know. It may not be that man that will fulfill my desires. But I now have hope. I now feel like maybe I'm capable of opening my heart to another man. Maybe hope was all that Paul meant to bring to me in Florida. Maybe he's still just trying to coax me into not giving up. Pushing me to dream again. Hope may be enough for now. But, one day I know I will have another love. My hope for love is a radiant beacon, I will sing you to me.